Do you know someone who is grieving? Here are some "Do Nots"

Expressing our condolences or sympathies oftentimes find us at a loss for words. People tend to focus on coming up with the “right” words to make someone feel better. When we see someone in pain, mentally or physically, our first reaction is to try and “fix” them. We want to “take away” their pain. In relating to grief, you cannot possibly take the pain away (nor should you try). It is exceedingly difficult to be a recipient of other people’s comments that are not welcome. When it comes to finding the “right” words, be mindful of what may slip from your lips as you may be adding to a person’s already suffering.

Listed below are some “do nots” when it comes to expressions of sympathies:

Do not interrupt or change the subject. The greatest gift you can give someone who is grieving is your time and your ear. Listening deeply (without interruptions and judgement) promotes healing. Keep in mind, their approach to their own grief may not be like yours. Commenting is not always necessary. What they may want most is to share their stories and just be heard.

Do not say nothing at all. Saying nothing is the same as ignoring it; like it never even happened. A person’s reality and pain need to be witnessed and shared. If the griever does not want to talk about it, that is fine, but let them know you are there to receive anything they want to share.

Do not ask “what can I do?” By asking it means the griever must think about what they need and may put them in a position of having to ask for help which a lot of people often struggle with. Do not ask, just do.

Do not start a sentence with "do not", “you need” or "you should". Those words are overbearing and full of authority. Now is not the time for unwanted "advice". Someone grieving does not appreciate being told what they should or should not be doing. All grief journeys are not created equal and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Do not cry in front of the children

Do not blame God

Do not dispose of his/her things too soon

You should just embrace it

You need to be more positive

You need to stop crying

You should get out more

You need to get over it

You need to eat

You need to sleep

You need to get back to normal

Do not compare. You may have experienced a similar loss but is does not equate to the uniqueness of their relationship. You may have lost your father which you had a great relationship with and someone else may have had an abusive relationship with their father.

I know how you feel because my ____________ died too

When it happened to me my grief was way worse because …….

It is not as bad as the time ……………

Do not start a sentence with “at least”.

At least he/she lived a long life, many people die a lot younger

At least you have your other children

At least you did not have to go through the pain of birthing a child

At least you had a good life before he/she got sick

At least you did not know each other for too long to really fall in love with him/her

At least he/she is in heaven now

At lease he/she did not suffer

At least it was a quick death

At lease they did not have children

Do not minimize by saying:

You are young, you will go on

It is okay/it gets better

Time heals all wounds (time does ease the daily heartache of a death, but you never completely heal)

You are going to be okay

Your loved one would not want you to cry

It was probably for the best

It will all be better soon

It was just his/her time

Look on the bright side

Well, life goes on

You are one of the strongest people I know

Do not bring God into it. Your opinions about religion and spiritual beliefs may not be shared with the grieving. It is not uncommon for the grieving to start questioning their beliefs after they experience loss,

He/she is with God and is in a better place

God only gives you as much as you can handle

It really was a blessing from God

He/she was such a good person God wanted her to be with Him

It is not God’s fault, it was meant to happen

God had a plan because there is a reason for everything

The death was a gift from God

It is all in God’s timing

Remember God is in control

Do not blame:

He/she brought this on himself/herself

If only he/she would or would not have they may still be alive

The “do not’s” above, do not address the fact that a person is grieving and are in pain. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, the bereaved individual is suffering and must be allowed to grieve in their own way. Every person’s grief is just as unique as the relationship they had with the person that died. Every person’s grief has its own timeline. For one person it may be quicker, for another it may take years. Some shed tears, some do not. If you have experienced a similar loss, feel free to share some of what may have helped you along your grief journey. It may make the grieving person feel understood and less lonely on their grief journey. Be mindful, however, their approach to grief may not be the same as yours. One thing is universal however, words shared with the grieving are critical and saying the wrong thing may prolong the grieving process and may harm a treasured relationship.

In your own experience with grief, what were the worst things people said to you? What’s your advice for communicating with someone going through a grieving process?