Do You Know Someone Who Is Grieving? Here are some "Do's"

Listed below are some key “gifts” you can give “DO” to help someone while grieving:

When it comes time to expressing our condolences or sympathies, we are often at a loss for words. People often focus on coming up with the “right” words to make someone feel better. But, most often the best thing you can do has nothing to do with what you say, it is what you do. Just “being” there in one’s presence can be more comforting than a spoken word.

Have compassion. Give the person permission to express their feelings without judgment or fearful of criticism. Try to learn and understand.

Listen. Being helpful begins with your ability to be an “active” listener. Your desire to listen and being physically present without judgement and are crucial tools in helping someone through. Focus on listening to the words that are being shared with you.

Be there. The most important gift you can give to someone that is grieving is your ongoing and reliable presence. While you cannot take the pain away (nor should you try to), you can enter it by being there for them. Remaining available in the days, weeks, months, and years to come is an extraordinary gift.

The suggestions listed below are some statements that I have compiled from clients that were deemed comforting.

1. “You don’t have to say a word. I will just sit beside you”

2. “You can talk to me about your sister whenever you want”

3. “I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through this

4. “There are no words”

5. “Your Dad was a wonderful man”

6. “Grief has no expiration date”

7. “Just talk about your son whenever you feel like”

8. “I will travel to you and stay with you for several days”

9. “I cannot possibly understand how you feel. But I’m here”

10. “Your grief reactions are normal”

11. “You aren’t going crazy”

12. “Let me know if I can help”

13. “It’s okay to have bad days, as it reminds you how much you loved them”

14. “I love you”

15. “A part of your loved one lives inside of you and all those he loved”

16. “I’m sorry for your loss”

17. “Tell me more about your brother”

18. “We were just talking about her last night”

19. “Don’t hold back your tears. It’s okay to hurt”

20. “When you feel that he’s with you, know that he really is”

21. “I don’t know what to say, but I can listen”

22. “She is never far away”

23. “Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else”

24. “We fondly remember him and speak of him often”

25. “We will never forget him”

26. “We loved him just like he was a member of the family”

27. “She was such a special child”

28. “I am here for you”

29. “She would be so proud of you”

30. “You are not “moving on”, you are “moving forward””

31. “I am praying for you and will always be praying for you”

32. “He was so loved, and my life is better, because he was in it”

33. “Every baby deserves to be celebrated, no matter how long they are with us”

34. “There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your life has been changed forever”

35. “You will never get ‘over it’, but you will get through it”

36. “You’re allowed to feel as you are, because this is your experience and no one else’s”

37. “She was clearly a wonderful mother who was deeply loved”

38. “I can see by these pictures how much you loved each other”

39. “It’s okay not to be okay”

40. “He/she is with you always”

41. “We’ll get through this together”

42. “You’ve got someone up there watching over you”

43. “You are a good father and his death with never change that”

Sharing fond memories of the loved one passed is always so comforting for the ones that are grieving. The best thing is when someone says, “I remember…” and then goes on to share a memory of the person you have lost. I heard several stories told by my husband’s fellow police officer brothers and friends that I had never heard: some funny, some heartwarming, some heroic. The stories left me feeling even more connected and prouder than I already was. I received a card from someone that stated that every time they ran into my husband, he would boast about me being his wife and how he always spoke so highly of me and our children. My girlfriend drove quite a distance to just sit with me and listen to me completely fall apart without hushing me. While greeting guests at the funeral home in honor of my mother, two gentlemen approached me and shared they went to high school with her. They shared a couple of heartwarming stories of her and said they had never forgotten how beautiful and fun loving she was and upon seeing her obituary they felt the need to come pay their respects and to let her surviving family members know how she made such a positive impression on them. They had not seen her in over 50 years.