SUPPORTING FRIENDS IN THE MIDST OF GRIEF

When it comes to a grieving friend, how can you best support them without overstepping boundaries?

Grief is inevitable. It is an experience we live with throughout our years. It ebbs and flows like waves of an ocean. When we hear the words “loss”, “grief”, and “mourning”, many of us tend to think of only death related experiences. We are inclined to overlook or minimize those words when they are associated with non-death related experiences. (For instance, the death of a spouse vs the death of a marriage (related, but different)). Regardless of whether it’s death or nondeath related, the pain that comes along with it either can be heartbreaking, overwhelming, and should never be ignored.

When you see a friend grieving, it can be hard to understand how to best support them. Supporting a grieving friend in the best ways possible can be the key to a strong and lasting friendship. If we aren’t careful, it can be the key to a forever end to our friendship. Below, I have listed a few things that you can do to best support a grieving friend.

Show silent support (listen, don’t interrupt, and never judge)

Grief is as personal as the loss that is experienced. Regardless of the cause of your friend’s grief, one of the most important things you can do to be supportive during this difficult time is to listen. Being “heard” is paramount to the grieving. Don’t interrupt, judge their actions and feelings, or try to console them – just let them talk through their grief with no distractions. You may be tempted to offer advice and suggest ways to make them feel better, but remember, grieving isn’t something that needs to be fixed or can be fixed. Being present and listening in a nonjudgmental fashion is essential. Never say “I know how you feel”. You may have experienced a similar loss but is does not equate to the uniqueness of their relationship. Therefore, you can’t “know” how someone feels.

Be there when they need you, give them the space when they don’t (it’s a balancing act)

When the grieving process begins, your friend will most likely need support. It’s crucial to be there for them during this time, but also know that it’s okay to back off. It is important to give your friend some space. Sometimes what they really need is a chance to deal with their grief on their own terms. Just because they need you, doesn’t mean they want you there all the time. Let them be “in charge”.

Grieving is like riding a rollercoaster. Twists and turns, ups and downs. It’s incredibly draining on a person emotionally and physically, so your friend must be able to take time for themselves without feeling guilty about neglecting their loved ones. Remember, do not take it personal, their grief is about them; not about you.

Don’t disappear

From personal experience, show that you will be there for your friend that day and for years down the road. I have been told by many bereaved that weeks, months, and even years after the loss, people stop showing up or even showing that they care. Do not assume that after the first four weeks or six months or even the first year that the grieving person no longer needs your support. The road is long and it's often later in the grieving process when people need the most support.

Sometimes people stay away because they took the way their friend was grieving personal. Other times, friends stay away out of fear of bringing up the past and causing pain for the grieving. The majority of the bereaved I have journeyed alongside have shared that when friends and family remember anniversaries, say the name of the person who died, and check in with them to see how they are doing, is a positive thing. If you are unsure, ask. Then respect your friends wishes. If you know that your friend will always welcome your support and presence, don’t ignore it! It means a lot when someone stands with us during such difficult times.

Offer help with meals, errands, and tasks

If you see your grieving friend performing tasks around their home or office, don’t assume they’re okay. It may appear the task itself looks easy, but grief often makes people feel like the world is falling apart, and simple acts such as cooking and cleaning up may be quite difficult. One of the kindest things that a friend did for me after my mother’s death was drop off a basket of homemade biscuits and jam at my door. Another friend expressed great kindness by mowing my lawn after my husband died - without notification. Gestures such as these are appreciated beyond words.

No need to ask, “what can I do?” By asking it means the griever must think about what they need and may put them in a position of having to ask for help which a lot of people often struggle with. Instead ask whether they would appreciate some help in performing small tasks – even if they decline at first, circle back from time to time to see if a helping hand would be welcome. In time, they just may take you up on your offer and the offer itself reflects that you care.

Support them while finding purpose and meaning in their life

For some grievers, moving forward may feel like they are leaving their loved one in the past. It may even feel disloyal. Some grievers may worry if they’re not actively grieving it means they’re not actively expressing their love. Moving beyond the darkness can be scary and feel like a step into the unknown. It can also be a chance to do something you’ve always wanted to do and never had the time for. It can be the cause that you always believed in, or it can be helping people who have suffered in ways you can relate to.

There are many ways people find meaning after a loss such as being with others, prayer, personal faith beliefs, or establishing new beliefs and rituals. Meditation and mindfulness, spending time in nature, exercise. Some find it helpful to seek out a grief support group where they can talk with other people who are experiencing similar grief. Be there to support your friend as they try to find meaning in life even amid their grief.

Conclusion

The grieving process is unique for everyone. Supporting your friend while exhibiting patience, understanding, kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness are all extremely important during this difficult time. Your friend will be forever grateful.

Your feedback is welcome. Please feel free to leave a comment or question. If you would like Coaching Beyond the Door blog updates delivered to your inbox, you are cordially invited to subscribed to our website. Sign up here! And tap the “Contact" tab.